Confronted at school this morning by a group of suspicious friends, a teenage boy swore the Android phone he was holding did not actually belong to him.

“I swear it’s not mine! You see, I’m just holding it for a friend,” said Noah Booker, a junior at Oak Park and River Forest High School.

Walking around with the device in plain sight drew widespread condemnation from the school community. “In this day and age, you’d figure people would keep those out of sight from any other human being on this planet, but Booker was found simply walking around school with this monstrosity,” said senior Rudolph Stein, with a sigh.

“I mean come on, think about the conversations Android users have,” Stein continued. “‘Hey friend, can we GoogleDuo?’ That’s right folks, GoogleDuo. Not FaceTime. The shame Booker must have been feeling at that very moment.”

School policy has prohibited Androids from school grounds for a good four years now. “The situation has been put under control and we can assure you that your children are safe from this ignominy,” said Anthony McKee, assistant superintendent for iPhone compliance.

After refusing to throw away his Android, claiming he “needed it to call home,” Booker was suspended. His dean, Sharolle Cooper, stated that it is completely unacceptable to ever possess an Android, and that only Apple products are allowed at the high school. “To me, it’s simply disrespectful,” Cooper said.

Even doctors from the nearby hospitals have submitted their views on this horrible situation. “We feel as if Noah should be hospitalized, really,” said Dr. Drake Smith of Oak Park Community Hospital for Youth.

“The last time I saw a case like this, we had to take matters into our own hands…” said two anonymous nurses from RUSH Hospital in Chicago. All over the world, Androids are considered a weakness. Imagine texting someone, and your text is surrounded by an atrocious green bubble instead of a beautiful blue one.

And what about the notification sound they make…and I know you know what it sounds like. That has to be one of the funniest, most annoying sounds in the world.

Not only that, but picture yourself peacefully enjoying a Saturday afternoon on your phone, just reading another one of our news articles, when all of a sudden your phone overheats and starts a fire right in your hand. Well, that’s a news story for another day.

There’s no excuse for owning an Android, experts say, even though Androids often cost less, work perfectly fine most of the time and might actually be kind of cool in their own way. At least mine is. Wait, did I say that out loud?

Yes, I have an Android. Personally, I find it revolting to ever shame someone for the phone they have or the money they don’t have to get an iPhone.

But you guys should stick with Apple. Stay safe out there!