The current state of education is downright dismal. Useless college degrees are being handed out like fentanyl-laced candy to the blue-haired baristas and starving, parasitic artists that rely on their rich daddy’s money to get them through life. This use of money stupid, because college is totally unnecessary for REAL blue-collar, TRULY American hard work. It should instead be invested into our country’s crumbling future workforce.
Just think of the children! They are practically forced by the current education system to idealize very unrealistic careers such as “art historians,” “wine sommeliers” and “tenured college professors.” As a long-term effect of this practice, there is an obvious labor shortage paired with the current unemployment rate, which I am told is exacerbated by the amount of toddlers clambering to become just like their failures of teachers. It is clear our children are suffering from their own ideas of what their futures will be like along with a system that fails to teach them any of the tangible ethics essential to functioning in the real world, and this must stop now.
Luckily, along with my colleagues at the newly established Department of the Future Workforce’s Knowledge of Life, I have already solved this issue, so no need to hold your breath. Exhale, because the future of America’s children is no longer full of dull homework packets and useless facts about God knows what. Those days are over, and our current workforce can rest easy knowing that once they’re finally replaced (when they are well past retirement age), America’s economy will be in capable hands. Our economy will grow to a size never seen before, and our children will thrive in an environment designed specifically to nurture them at the same time as it exposes them to the enlightening and engrossing ways of the workforce.
Most importantly, perhaps, is that the corrupt teachers who steal from America’s youth will be taken care of. They will never again instill vile notions like “mental health days” and “unionizing” into the heads of our little angels. Schools will never again hold our children hostage for seven or more hours every day when they could ACTUALLY put those budding brains to use for our country. They will no longer receive funding from our precious taxpayer dollars and just sit on it instead of imparting useful life skills onto our youngsters. And finally, the brutalist prison cell-blocks that are schools will be converted into buildings that will play a much more useful role to all of America and beyond.
Our solution to our horrible current reality is plain; we have been assured by top government officials that this course of action is the only way to push our country to greatness, which will start with the immediate and indefinite closing of every despicable and dirty school across the country. Instead, our wonderful children will be thrown into the equally wonderful world of hard labor, and they will never again feel the crushing boredom of the incorrect facts thrown at them by their filthy, so-called “educated” teachers! If they were REALLY educated as they think they are, then they would obviously know that our efforts to ACTUALLY prioritize children and the economy’s livelihoods are the way to go. Unfortunately, teachers as a breed of humans are not too bright in spirit, but we will all rejoice as their reign of terror over our children ends.
In our plan, we at the Department of the Future Workforce’s Knowledge of Life have outlined roughly 100,500 soon-to-be opened factories in place of those poisonous “educational institutions.” All school-aged children younger than 18 will no longer be ignored by the law; instead, these young entrepreneurs will directly contribute to the country by paying taxes, life’s greatest joy! Of course, we would NEVER make children do anything menial and repetitive, so these filing duties will be assigned to the disgraced class of likely junkies, also formerly known as teachers. And please, don’t falter in placing your trust in the system, because they will get the very reduced pay that they deserve. This will free up oodles of funds to instead lavish onto our hardworking children!
In every facility, each child will always be stimulated by a rock-solid routine of exciting and rigorous work specially tailored to their capabilities. Fun new jobs include working with state-of-the-art manufacturing machinery, welding steel together in assembly lines, and operating the newest conveyor belt systems. This way, jobs that might have been exported overseas to overworked plebeian peasants will once again grace the American economy with its benefits, and we can collect taxes on all of the new incomes to continue bettering the country even more! For the more capable children, America’s coal mines will reopen in droves in order to accommodate the most industrious youngsters. Our canaries will sing with happiness!
And for those that are skeptical of our initiative, SHAME ON YOU. By opposing our fool-proof plan, you’re practically inviting communists into your homes and children’s minds! And by communists, of course I mean teachers. By oppressing and silencing the most obviously volatile members of our society, our children can bounce back to levels of productivity not seen since the good old days of the Victorian era. The only difference will be a lack of arsenic wall paper and way more microplastics, but the labor we’re planning for our children will build up their immune systems to be some of the strongest on Earth! Not only will healthcare costs go down because our kiddos will be too busy with their noses at the grindstone to go to those pesky doctor’s appointments, but exposure to hazardous waste— which is only called that because teachers were too lazy to actually fact-check harmless sludges— will boost every child’s immune system by 600%!
Don’t worry too much though, since that’s not all! Because this labor will be very similar to adult jobs, with the work experience comes generous benefits developed with our children in mind. To promote the most dedicated and hardest work America’s economy will know, sick leave will be a sensible 2 days for our children to rest and recuperate. This way, we can increase our great nation’s GDP by billions of dollars since sick days will only be taken when kids are TRULY sick, as I’m sure we all remember faking a cold back in elementary school to get out of reading lessons.
However, we at the Department of the Future Workforce’s Knowledge of Life acknowledge that there will be blind opposition to these life-improving blessings from people who don’t think things all the way through; some could argue that rose-tinted glasses block us from thinking about how school-aged children need a nurturing environment free from unnecessary stress, and how child labor is wrong and exploitative. Well, to that I say YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!!! Countless studies have shown that nothing develops a brain faster than working it 24/7! Stress, ESPECIALLY when chronic, is also shown to encourage competition in a free market economy, which is always at the heart of our decisions. And to finish out this lackluster argument from blue-haired snowflakes who are probably in league with the teacher’s unions: all of your “parenting” PALES in comparison to the INVALUABLE experience our initiative will give to your overneglected, underperforming snobbish brats. At least make sure your children know how to spell before you start insulting us, when we are so clearly developing this initiative in response to the desperate state of American education out of the goodness of our hearts and pockets.
In any case, with all great American programs, it will take not time, but money to roll out. That is why we suggest telling your children to clean out their lockers for spare change right now, so that they will feel ready to accept this monumental change to a better society and start the contributions to America early. I feel that it is apt to close out this speech with the Department of the Future Workforce’s Knowledge of Life’s motto: free the children, and your country will follow.