Dear staff, students and families of Oak Park and River Forest High School,

For years, our school has felt the effects of the cockroach invasions, from students finding dead bugs on the stairs to living ones that crawl through student urinals. We understand that it should be the bare minimum in a school like OPRF to be cockroach-free, and we aim to be pest and bug-free by 2030. It is a short turnaround, but we are beyond confident in our plan of action. 

Allow me to introduce Reginald Carrie, our newest hire, an expert on cockroach extermination. Mr. Carrie is a hedgehog. I know that might sound crazy, but bear with us. 

Reggie (his preferred name) will live on site and will be allowed to roam our campus freely. If you see Reggie in the halls, please feel free to say hi, but be careful of his prickly attitude. (He will actually live at the school and be on campus 24/7. You can’t blame him for getting grouchy sometimes.)

Many parents have reached out to me concerned that their kids will be exposed to a wild animal. Let me put your worries to rest. Even though Reggie can be prickly at times, he is a professional. To make that clear, he will be required to wear a full custodial uniform at all times. 

Of course, the state of Illinois does not let Reggie work under normal circumstances. To solve this issue, OPRF has applied for an Injurious Species Permit (ISP) from the Illinois Department of Natural Resources. 

We will take additional steps to ensure Reggie’s employment is legal and appropriate. 

Since Reggie is from a demographic new to us, we have compiled a team of hedgehogs to create a board of directors to oversee his employment. 

To comply with federal workplace safety requirements, the building is also now equipped with hedgehog first aid kits across the building. The new hedgehog specialist, Carmel Smith, will be located in the nurse’s office. Of course, Smith is a hedgehog as well. 

The addition of Reggie, Carmel and the Hedgehog Board has not been without controversy. The Board of Hedgehog Education reached out to the school, informing us that it is unlawful to hire hedgehogs without offering them educational opportunities. To address this concern, we will offer hedgehog-specific professional development. 

As our hallways fill with more and more hedgehogs, we must think about our physical accommodations for them as well. We will build special hedgehog relief stations and new stairways easier for hedgehogs to climb (piano key-length is ideal for the steps).

To those concerned about the costs and disruption, remember that these are the minimum steps needed to rid our building of roaches and pests. And unlike pesticides, this solution is all natural. 

If you are looking to report a cockroach, please email Reggie at [email protected] or text our new Roach Hotline at 708-714-0887. Reggie is standing by.